The Best Lizzie Story Ever!!
by Kristen Hyde
Summary: Lizzie well....gets into some weird events. Read to find out what stupid things happen to her, and just to let you all know...this story isn't for everyone, you must have a sense of humor like me I guess which is really screwed up. Anyways, just read it


Mr. Take advantage of your goat when you're not home

I hate it when people say that. What about you? I know you do? well, it goes like this...I was walking home one night when this guy stopped me. He said, "I like your finger.." I was astonished by this, and didn't know quite sure what he meant. I quickly walked away, looking back every now and then over my shoulder. Then, to my surprise...BOOM! A big ice cream cone lands in front of me. It looks so delicious, with whipped cream, and cherries, and it looked so tempting to just eat a little...so, I dipped my finger into the vanilla, creamy ice cream when....a force started pulling me in. I was getting sucked into the ice cream, and I was screaming, screaming bloody murder...and right before I was fully inside this cone, I looked up and saw the man who liked my finger laughing. This look in his eyes would make anyone want to cry, it was so evil. I then was inside the cone, falling, falling to what I thought was my doom. I was thinking to myself as I was falling, about my life. How wonderful it was, and how I wasn't going to be able to finish it. How I could never say good bye to any of my great friends, or hug my beloved parents one more time. How I would never have children, or ever be married to someone I loved. How I would never sit in an old, rickety rocking chair watching the price is right when I'm 78 years old. How I would not live any longer, and it was the worst feeling I ever had. As I closed my eyes, ready to hit the hard, in coming ground, I landed. I laid there, wondering if I was in heaven, and when I opened my eyes and looked around, I saw streamers, and ribbons, and silk banners from wall to wall. They were very mystical, and bright colors. I thought I was in a magic kingdom, and I felt so light headed and free. It was great, until I saw what I dreaded the most. The man who liked my finger. My skinny, little, ugly finger. He looked at me and then said in a deep, frightening voice, "I am God, behold my 9 fingers." I was frozen, with cold sweat running down my forehead. I started to cry inside, crying for life, not knowing what this man was going to do, the man who said he was God. He then pulled out under is red hearted underwear a ring. He threw it up high into the air, and the walls began to lower. The ground was shaking and I was clinging to something that I didn't notice before. It was short and rough, with jagged red writing saying, "Welcome to God's Cafe." It was a coffee mug. How did this get into my hands? While I was studying this cup, the walls were lowered, and as I looked closely, I realized I was in Great Japan! This was just unbelievable. All I wanted right now was to go home to my family and friends. I started to get off my knees, when "God" said to me, "OH Lizzie....you see how I am? I love coffee!!! No one appreciates how I really think-..." I didn't know what he meant by this. Was this even God? It couldn't be...I had to ask. "Are..ah..you, well, ummm...are you God?" I stuttered, so nervous and scared out of my wet pants...(I urinated while I was falling since I thought I was just going to die)...He looked at me and started to chuckle. "Of course not little fine finger Lizzie, God is just short for my real name Godarinaolambachagoatina.." Godarinaolambachagoatina chuckled to me. I was so confused. What did this weird, homosexual man want from me?? Then he said, as if he could read my mind, "How did you know I was homosexual??" He nervously said. He started to look down, and I wasn't really scared anymore, but it started to smell all around me. (I took a nasty diarrhea dump in my pants as I was falling since I thought I was going to die). I started to explain, and I really wanted some answers. Godarinaolambachagoatina dammit, I am so critical!! Well, I stood up high, lifted my chin up and plainly said, "Mr. well, can I call you Mr. Take advantage of your goat when you're not home?" He looked confuse and scratched his head. I had a plan. He pondered for a bit, and then said, "Well, I guess so, if you really want to..." I then decided to tell him something that might amaze him. I deviously said, "Well, when I was walking home, you had a sign on the back of your left butt cheek saying-'I like to hump goats and I'm homosexual', so I then knew that you were a homosexual, since it stated right there that you were a homosexual, do you get it now you stupid homosexual??" He started to shake, and then I knew I had done it. I always had a way with homosexuals...(is this a bit confusing yet? well, that's okay, I'll keep going) I strode up to Mr. Take advantage of your goat when you're not home and tapped my cherry red lip gloss on his middle shoe. He began to jump all around this mulberry bush, and I knew that it worked. He then turned into a weasel!!! I had done it! I saved my stinking no good life!! YAY! Now all I needed to do was get out of Great Japan. I started to run, but it was sorta hard (I still had a load of poo poo in my underwear) I bumped into this huge, magical 8 ball. I wanted to get home so bad, so I could just pet my pet moose once more. I shook the ball and said, "How do I reach my house you stupid, no good 8 ball??!!!" It then turned red, like it was angry and shouted in my ear, "Why do you need to be so critical Lizzie, you crazy girl??" Then I saw that it wasn't angry, but hurt. "Boo hoo," it cried, "No one loves me besides Gordo!" I didn't know what was going on, I was just oblivious to this whole event! I started to stroke this ball, trying to make it feel better. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. I'm just angry because God got me here, and now I can't get home," I explained. It started to smile, and then a boy appeared. He looked like he weighed about 753 pounds, and he had a few teeth missing. "Good Evening young fine finger one, my name is Gordo. Do you need something??" There was something about this Japanese man that I liked. I don't know if it was because he smelled like oh great poo like me, or if it was because he had these amazing blue eyes. I felt that I could trust this dude and that I put my life into his hands. I then said, "Yes, I do want something. I want to go home. I want to go back to good ol' school. I want to go back to my gay colored bedroom, and sit in my dampened desk chair that my friend Miranda pissed in. I want to have a half way normal life like I once did, and have my half way normal friends with me. Please Gordo, can you help me? Can you help this poor, stinky, retarded woman?" He then said he could and that all I had to do was "deodorize." I then had tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, joyful for what I always took for granted. I couldn't be more thankful, and I knew that I loved this overweight man. He snapped his fingers and everything that was before me was gone. I felt dizzy, like I traveled five hundred miles on a nimbus broom stick. I gazed upwards and saw I was in my town in front of my shack. I looked to the sky and shouted, "Thank you!" This event made me realize what I had, what a good life I really did have. I now know that I will never take what I have for granted, and that the 9 finger Godarinolambachagoatina made me realize this, along with Gordo and the magic 8 ball. I started to skip up to my shack, ready to get out of my soiled panties, and when I turned the rusty old doorknob, I looked at my hand and it only had 4 fingers!!!!! 

  


THE END


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